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Sunday, 9 October 2011

Dame Patience Goodluck – a speech by our 1st lady.

I had a dream. Yes my fellow Nigerians - I had a DREAM in which I heard the eloquent rich voice of our first lady Dame Patience Goodluck speak words of great wisdom. Dame Patience was giving a speech to a diverse audience in her role as President Goodluck's wife and Nigerian's 1st lady.

The Dame's Speech:

To all “my fellow widows”, I would like to introduce my husband President Goodluck Jonathan. “My husband and Sambo is a good people”. Both of them will lead Nigeria to greatness. My husband and I have together “born” 2 children. To all those who say the PDP does not care about the younger generation, I would like to assure you that this president” was once a child and all the Senators were once a children”. “All the people sitting here before you here were all once a children”. So how can the president not care about the younger generation who are all child?

It is very distressing to me to learn about the bombings in our nation. “So to all those evil bombers, I say, Who born them? Wasn’t it not a woman? They were once a children, now a adult, now they are bombing women and children making some children a widow”. “My heart feels sorry for these children who have become widows by losing their parents for one reason or the other”.

However, let us not become downcast: Our great sportsmens and women have made us proud on the international scene. "To those who abuse our great sportsmen and women, remember “Yes we are all happy for the effort, remember it is not easy to CARRY SECOND in an international competition like this one”. “WE should always have love for our fellow Nigerians irrespective of their NATIONALITY.” Like my husband and Sambo once said "we are diverse in terms of different human species."

In conclusion, I promise to be Nigeria's 1st mother. As you are all aware, "A good mother takes care of HIS children" so bags of rice will continue to be distributed to all my good" children who have become widows by losing their parents."

So to all "my fellow Nigerians irrespective of their NATIONALITY", I ask you to join with “my Husband and Sambo” under the “UMBLERRA” that is the PDP and Nigeria. "COME APRIL ELECTIONS WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO PRESS YOUR HAND? IT SHOULD BE UMBLERRA."

(The End: as I jolted awoke from my dream landscape strewn with landmines of grammatical cluster nail bombs)

Ok, I hope you have all stopped rolling on the floor laughing like I did when I first came across some of our first lady's words. I've just simply strung together some of her more famous grammatical missteps into an imaginary speech. Now truly I am not mocking her because I actually find her words extremely funny but imagine my shock when I discovered that Dame Patience Goodluck has an NCE in Education, a BSC in Biology & Psychology and was a secondary school teacher for many years!

This is Nigeria!!!! Let us all gather under our Umblerras and reflect on the state of the Nigerian educational system. To those of us who grew up in Nigeria when our educational system was fantastic, I am still not sure whether to laugh or cry!


Ronke said...

Help! Stop firing, I surrender... Like my husband said, "It's funny and sad."

Noir said...

LOL @ Ronke. Like your hubby, I first laughed then wanted to cry when I realised the lady is a graduate who taught in a High School for many years. How could she have been allowed to teach with such a poor grasp of basic English grammar? *sigh*

Anonymous said...

The lady is a DAME !

Noir said...

@Anonymous. I guess you could say that .. :-)

John Abiodun Oaitan said...

Bucky, In my school of thought, when something gets too saddening, you should laugh it off. So let's laugh, not because it is beautiful, or healthy, but because it is too ugly and painful to behold. Hopefully, the laughter will make a vain effort to dampen the reality of her verbal atomic droppings and its consequent assault.
The saddest part is that, it doesn't seem as though it will ever get better .... It is pathetically endemic. I dont know if she hears what we hear when she talks. We are stuck with her. So, help us God. LOL!!!!!!!!

Noir said...

JAO, I totally agree with you. Laughter takes away the bitter ugliness out of most things and helps us look at the situation a lot more objectively. I wrote this piece so that I did not cry - I was so dismayed last year when I first came across the way she speaks and then learnt she is a double honours graduate who taught High School for many years ... We gotta laugh my brother .. otherwise we might never stop crying! *giggle*